Long distance loving

Being in a long distance relationship is literally one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my 23 plus years of living. I realize from that last sentence shows just how privileged I am, however, it does not make it any easier.

Before being in a LDR myself, I always thought the reason people say the relationships never work out is because of trust. Oh how young and naive I was. I’ve realized it’s so much more than that. Not to give you the wrong impression, my relationship with my boyfriend has been amazing and it remains that way to this day.

I always assumed that there was a trust issue because I am naturally a very jealous person. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of having a significant other be thousands of miles away and going out with friends without me. But with Devin, it’s not like that. First of all, we are both homebodies so we don’t tend to “go out.” And second, I trust him with my life. If he went out with a group of girls and was the only male in attendance, it wouldn’t even phase me.

But I digress, I guess what I’m trying to say is, after being in an LDR myself I have a newfound respect for people who are in one as well.

What’s been really hard is I don’t think a majority of my friends understand. No, I take that back, they understand, but they don’t get it. They ask how he is and what he’s up to, which I appreciate. But as I’m answering those questions, I don’t think they realize how much it is killing me that he’s not here.

Devin and I met in the fall of 2012 and made it “official” in December of that year. Since we met while in school, we have been in an on and off (not in the sense that we have broken up and gotten back together but rather we spend huge chunks of time together then we are forced to live apart) LDR for the last year and a half. You’d think overtime it would get easier, that you would get used to the space between you. But that’s not true.

The first time we spent apart was right after we started dating when winter break was upon us. I remember telling myself (since the relationship was still so new) that if I truly missed him, during our time apart, then I would know if this was something real. SPOILER ALERT: I missed my man. We were lucky enough to spend the remainder of the school year together until summer rolled around. Over the summer months I believe we saw each other a total of two weeks. Two weeks over a course of 3 months isn’t very much time. I was devastated. It was a rough summer, definitely not my favorite. But one great thing came from it. As cheesy as it may sound, (warning this is really REALLY cheesey), every time I was able to see him, it was like falling in love all over again. You get the butterflies in your stomach, the whole ten yards, he even looked a little different from what I remembered.

As time went on, school started up again and I couldn’t wait to begin my last semester of college, oh and of course to see him again. Alas, now we have both graduated. I’m living at home while working at the local newspaper (in the Chicagoland area) while he is at his home (in Western Kentucky) looking for a job to come up here.

What’s hard this time around is there is no set end date to our time apart. In fact, I’m not even 100 percent sure on when I’ll see him again. We try to make it a point to see each other for about a week out of every month but that barely seems like enough. Usually about 3 days into his stay I can’t help but think how he’s just going to leave again and as silly as it sounds it’s hard to enjoy the time I have with him.

We both hope he can find a job and move up here in another month or so, but it’s not financially smart for him to move up here otherwise (rent is outrageous).

Most of my friends don’t live near me anymore (that’s a nice way of saying I’m a loner) so when I do have some days off, I often find myself wishing he was here. My job as well as some things in my personal life have been really stressful lately and I can’t help but wish I could come home at night and see him waiting up for me.

Aside from our relationship being long distance, I feel like I get a lot of crap (for lack of a better word) for being in such a serious relationship at such a young age.

Like I said, I don’t really do much on my days off so I have a lot of time to sit around and think (and write this extremely long blog post). If you had to choose between living a life where you fall in love easily, maybe more than once, maybe even saying ‘I love you’ when you aren’t sure if you truly mean it deep down or would you rather live a life where you are afraid to jump and fall and instead hold back the feelings you are afraid to feel?

For me it’s the first option. Not that I am loving recklessly, but rather, fully – with everything I’ve got. I’m starting to get to the age where people around me are getting married and the people a few years older have started having kids. It seems as though there has been a lot of negative judgement going around, “They’re getting married already,” “I can’t believe so and so is having/has had a kid.” I would by lying if I said I have never gossiped about such things.

I just can’t help but find it strange. It’s such a double standard we are living in. On one hand, if you are in a serious relationship in your early 20s, people question how serious of a relationship you are actually in. But, if you aren’t married by the time you are 3o, then it’s looked down upon. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair the pressures society puts on us as young adults to get into a relationship and it’s not fair to be judged on the status of relationship you are in.

After being in a LDR I’ve realized none of this is easy. Love isn’t easy, but it’s love that’s worth it in the end.

I like to think I am the relationship type of person however I have only really had two boyfriends my entire life. There was a pretty be chuck of time between the two that I remember just sort of feeling numb. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t necessarily happy either. Just numb.

I remember one day I was listening to John Mayer (I know, I’m such a girl), and I remember I was listening to “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” (I believe) and I was thinking to myself, I want love. I want to be able to feel again, even just to feel the sad, heartbreaking emotions that John is singing about in this song.

I’m not saying I’m sad at this point in my life, in fact, I am very happy and more than content with the relationship I am in, but when you love and miss as deeply as I do it’s hard not to feel that deep pain in your chest of missing someone.